Supporting kids and their emotions through separation and divorce

Written by Julie Freedman Smith, JFS Parent Education

When families are restructuring, there are many important details that must be decided. Brains are working at answering questions about timelines, custody, homes, court dates, and finances. For a while, the focus on the logical may enable a numbing or postponement of the adult emotions. This is likely not true for the children; their emotions may be right at the surface.

It is impossible to predict the feelings that a child will have at any point during the separation and divorce, and for many years after. One thing we do know is that even if children do share their initial feelings, it’s normal that their reactions to and feelings about the divorce will transform as they get older and look at it in different stages of their development.

Sometimes feelings are expressed quite openly:

• “I hate you!”
• “You’re the reason our family is falling apart!”
• “It’s all my fault – I’ll behave better if you give me another chance!”
• “I just want things to go back to the way they were.”
• “Why can’t the two of you just get along?”
• Other times, feelings are swallowed up. Kids may want to protect their parents who already seem overwhelmed, or they’re scared that once they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. 

These hidden feelings can end up coming out as misbehaviours or big changes in behaviors (sleep, hunger, socializing, academics). Rather than just using discipline for these misbehaviours, look behind them for the feelings and support those as well.

How do we help them in the big moments?

As much as it would be amazing to wave a magic wand and wash all the hard stuff away, it just isn’t possible. Rather than trying to fix things, explore some of the following responses and decide which ones could feel right for you:

1. Notice the feeling and give it a name if you can, or talk about it as a “big feeling.”
2. Acknowledge that this feeling makes sense.
3. Let them know that you can handle the feeling and that you are there to help them get through it.

Here are some examples:

• “Wow, your tears are showing me you feel sad. Of course, you do; this is a difficult time. I’m here to hug you or just sit beside you and let you know that you’re not alone.”
• “I see that you are mad at me right now. That makes sense – you really don’t like the decisions that I’m making. I get that you want to be on your own. I’ll be here when you need me. I love you.”
• “If you need to feel this big feeling, that’s alright. I can handle it. I’m here to help you and keep you safe.”
• “Feelings are big and they change over time. I know you can handle your feelings.”
• “Your tummy might be telling us that you are scared about these big changes. I’m going to be right here beside you, holding your hand and taking some big breaths. We’ll let this fear move through and find the love to get through it together. I’m right here.”

How do we help them in calmer moments? 

All kids need to learn about feelings – that feelings don’t last forever, and how to let them out without hurting others. There will be many opportunities for this learning to take place throughout their lives.

Talking and teaching about feelings is often easier when we discuss characters in books or movies. We can notice patterns and facts about feelings:

• They can be small or large.
• Our bodies give us clues about our feelings (we get hot or our tummy hurts).
• They might seem like they last forever, but they change all the time.
• Big body actions can help get the feelings out (dancing, jumping, breathing, throwing a ball, hitting a pillow).

When your child is calm, ask about where they feel the feelings in their bodies. Ask what tools they may want to use to get the feelings out safely. Have them create a picture or list of those strategies that you can both use to remind you about when the big feelings return.

Drawing pictures, writing, and playing with puppets can also help when it comes to letting feelings out in a safe way.

One thing to remember around all the feelings that arise during these times is that the family is going through a lot of change. Change is tricky for adults and kids. Share your belief that you and your kids can get through change because you have each other and you’ll keep working on it together, even if it is hard right now.

Author, blogger, podcast host, and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

See our related articles:

• 8 ways parents can help kids cope with divorce
• Rebuilding - Generating strength and hope after divorce
• Navigating the overwhelming separation process