Your child has been cared for and nurtured by loving parents for five wonderful years. Now it is time to send them off to be cared for by someone else … their teacher.
Off into the ‘big’ school they go, after one or two happy, carefree years of preschool. In preschool they learned to share, take turns, listen to their teacher, solve their distresses on their own - and play, play, play! Now reality hits, and their independence is about to take a new path.
The first day of Kindergarten can be a stressful time for both children and parents, but planning in advance for the inevitable tears and distress can greatly ease the situation.
Prepare the child (and yourself!) for the first day of school by discussing it in advance, and giving the child an idea of what to expect. Always use happy, positive words and phrases when discussing it, which will help to instill a positive attitude about school. If you can, make a visit to the school prior to the first day so the child can see the classroom and meet the teacher.
If you anticipate tears, discuss a comfortable separation plan with your child’s teacher. Visit with your child in the classroom for a few minutes to assure a happy separation for both of you. The teacher should be able to encourage the independence of the child while assuring the parent of a successful separation.
Set the ground rules with your child before heading to school.
“I will stay for five minutes, then I have to leave. I’ll be back when the class is over”. Be firm, and be consistent.
Make sure your child knows you’re leaving.
Don’t attempt to get them involved, then sneak away. TRUST is important! Get the teacher’s attention, and they will attend to your child while you leave. If they cry, it usually lasts about 30 seconds after you’re gone! Resist the urge to return if they cry - this will only prolong the situation.
Say good-bye, then leave quickly. Never prolong the separation by making deals or bargaining for treats after school. This sets up expectations and bad habits that will be difficult to break later, and is unfair to the other children.
Don’t compare your child to another.
If you point out that Brandon isn’t crying, or Julie is happy, that will not reassure your upset child. They need the positive and loving attention of their parent at this time, not the negativity of having their behavior pointed out in front of their peers.
Don’t feel guilty about leaving a crying child with the teacher!
The teacher is a professional, and this is their job. They probably have had years of experience with their own proven ways of dealing with it. Trust that your child will always be shown concern and compassion.
Reassure your child that you will return when the class is over, and keep your promise by being on time.
It’s heartbreaking for the child whose parent is the last one to show up.
Separation problems are usually very short lived provided the child experiences consistency and consideration in the process. Acknowledging that they might be having a hard time, and helping them to put some names to their emotions can help the child to understand that it’s okay to feel lonely and unsure. After all, they have had the past five years of knowing and trusting their parents; and then suddenly they are being sent away to a big scary place with lots of people who are much bigger than they are.
Giving your child real ways to cope helps in their development of resiliency, which is vital to their ability to deal with other situations that they may encounter. Resiliency is important for children to be able to adapt to new environments and situations, and also comes into play when forming new friendships at school.
Try giving your child a favorite family photo to hold for the day, or a small object that they can look at and remind them that you’re coming back soon. Giving them a kiss into their hand and then closing their fingers around it can be reassuring; or find your own special way of helping your child remember that you love and care about them during the day. It’s a big scary world out there for a kindergarten child - give them the best support that you can to help them in a happy start into school.
If most of the tears belong to the parent - make sure you have some tissues in your pocket, and the loving support of a spouse or friend to call after you’ve left the school. Realize that it’s hard to let your little one go off into the vast world out there, and this is only their first small step towards growing up and learning to be independent. It’s okay to have your own tears; they are the symbol of your care and concern for your child, and the knowledge that they are growing and developing just as they should. And remember that the ultimate goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job!
Laura is the past owner of ChildsplaceLearning Centre Ltd. and the past president of the Calgary Preschool Teachers Association. For more information, she can be reached at 241-6232.
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