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Written by Nicole Sheldon, R. Psych.
We all want our children to be happy, healthy, and to have friends. We send our children off to school with the hope they will create meaningful connections, and are heartbroken when this doesn’t happen. While it’s natural for some children to take time to warm up to new social environments, persistent difficulties in making friends or feeling accepted can impact self-esteem and overall wellbeing. Building social skills and fostering friendships is essential to development and good mental health. So, how do we help our children build relationship skills? It all starts at home.
Home is where social and interpersonal skills are developed and nurtured. Learning skills in the safety and comfort of home increases your child’s confidence in being able to practice those skills outside of home. It is very difficult for a child to learn fundamental skills in less predictable and uncomfortable environments outside of home. Making friends is a gradual process, and can take time. Alongside a positive home environment, there are other actions you can take to support your child in creating more positive connections and friendships.
- Encourage positive social skills. Modeling positive social behaviors at home and in the community can help your child feel more confident when interacting with peers. Show your child the behaviors and values you want for them. Practicing skills such as active listening, empathy, and cooperation makes using them more natural when interacting with others.
- Talk to your child openly. Difficulties connecting with others can be related to many factors such as anxiety, learning differences, social or emotional issues, and bullying. Open and honest communication can provide valuable insight into your child’s experiences and emotions. Be curious and stay away from judgment.
- Build confidence. When children feel confident, they are more easily able to interact with others. Praise your child’s efforts and achievements, no matter how small. Be their cheerleader. Encourage your child to pursue activities they enjoy and excel in. Help your child identify their strengths and unique abilities, which boosts their confidence and makes them more comfortable in expressing themselves around others.
- Promote empathy. Help your child see things from another’s point of view. If your child tends to wait for someone else to initiate interaction, helping them see the other person may also feel uncomfortable initiating interaction can help them take on risk and step outside their comfort zone.
- Support social opportunities. Provide opportunities for your child to interact with peers outside of school, where new pools of potential friends exist. These interest-based opportunities can be less stressful than the busy and fast-paced environment of school. Meeting others who have similar interests makes connecting easier.
- Teach problem-solving skills. Social conflicts are inevitable. Teaching your child how to navigate these times will go a long way to increasing their confidence and giving them the opportunity to learn about managing relationships. Learning to actively listen, express their own feelings and thoughts, and how to compromise are skills for life. Role modeling allows your child to learn by example. Roleplay is a great way to act out difficult scenarios and practice skills. Practice both sides of the roleplay so your child can experience both sides of the situation. Comfort is increased with practice.
- Give positive reinforcement. When you see your child doing something they have been working on, acknowledge it and verbalize the behavior you saw. For instance, you might say, “I saw you reach out and include that person in your game and they seemed happy about it.” Positive reinforcement leads to repeated behaviors.
- Address bullying and peer rejection. If the reason for the social disconnection is related to bullying or peer rejection, it’s important to address this promptly and effectively. Teach your child strategies for dealing with bullies, such as assertive communication, seeking help from adults, and avoiding retaliation. Work closely with school staff to develop a plan to address the situation so your child feels safe and supported.
- Seek professional help if needed. If your child’s difficulties with peers persist, it may be helpful to seek support from someone who can work directly with your child and family to help build skills and personalize strategies. With social difficulties, there can be emotional reactions that may be contributing to the problem, so identifying and interrupting negative reaction cycles will be helpful.
School is a big and busy place where children are faced with many challenges. When your child is struggling to connect with peers, it’s important to step in. Parents have the greatest ability to support their children when they are struggling. Patience, understanding, and positive support are required to help your child move through these difficult times and develop skills for life.
Nicole is a registered psychologist in the province of Alberta. She has been working with children and families for over 30 years in various capacities. Nicole holds a permanent teaching certificate and has an understanding of classroom functioning. She is passionate about supporting children and families in achieving success and dignity in their lives through assessment, intervention, and collaborative approaches. For more information, you can reach her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or sheldonpsychology.com.
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