The only thing more synonymous with the back-to-school season than backpack shopping is your child confiding in you that they are nervous about their first day of class.
As a parent, it’s hard to see your child going through a difficult time, and it is tempting to try to fix it by saying things like, “Everything will be okay,” and “There is nothing to worry about.”
However, our well-meaning comments are not always helpful. We asked Ashlee Ellerbruch and Lisa Kaldenbach, child psychologists with KidsConnect Psychology, their top five tips for calming back-to-school jitters.
1. Label and validate. It can be helpful to label your child’s feelings. This might look like: “It sounds like you’re feeling worried about the first day tomorrow.”
Ashlee says it is crucial not to tell them how they feel, and give them a chance to correct you if your guess is wrong.
“Instead of ‘You shouldn’t be scared,’ you can say, ‘It’s okay to feel scared,’” says Lisa.
“‘Starting a new school year can be a big change. It’s completely normal to feel anxious about starting something new. Many kids feel the same way.’”
She adds that using effective language can help parents validate their child’s feelings and provide comfort.
2. Empathize. “You want to avoid making comments like, ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ or ‘You’ll be fine,’ as these can be dismissive of your child’s feelings and can make them feel unheard and misunderstood,” says Lisa.
She adds that parents should stay away from forcing independence too quickly. “Sometimes, when we push a child to face their fears without adequate preparation or support, it can backfire and increase their worries.”
If your child still seems to need a connection, provide one they can take with them.
“Use a marker to make a small heart or symbol on their hand or arm,” says Ashlee.
“Then if they are feeling sad or scared throughout the day, they can look at that mark and remember that you believe in them.”
3. Remind them of their strengths. It is helpful to focus on the positives with your child. Instead of telling them to stop worrying, you can reframe their worries to focus on their strengths.
Some language Ashlee and Lisa recommend includes:
“You can do hard things!”
“You have worked hard on reading all summer.”
“You will recognize a couple friends in your class from last year.”
“You already know which door your class needs to go into.”
4. Remind them of past success. Kids sometimes have a hard time relating one experience to another. It can help if you remind them of a time when they were scared to try something else and ended up being glad they did it.
“Remember the first day of bike camp? I remember you felt so worried, but once we got there and your instructor started telling you about the first bike exercise, you started to feel calmer and excited. You were brave and it felt easier once you got started.”
5. Collaborative problem-solving. Listen to their worries and instead of providing immediate solutions, get them involved in brainstorming by saying something like, “It sounds like you are really worried about that. I wonder what we could do to help you feel more prepared?”
“Provide feedback to their ideas and let them know you’re there to help them think of a solution,” says Ashlee.
Lisa also recommends taking a collaborative approach when preparing for the school year.
“Try involving your child in back-to-school preparations,” she says.
“Let them pick out school supplies, plan their outfits, and visit the school if possible. Familiarity can reduce anxiety.”
Children are often told what to say, do and even how to think. Giving them ownership over the clothes they wear, what water bottle they take to school, and what lunch kit they use every day can go a surprisingly long way to help relieve some uneasy feelings. CCM
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