Life is full of daily frustrations. It could be related to not getting enough sleep because your six-year-old keeps crawling into your bed at night. Or maybe it’s the traffic you have to deal with every day on your way to work. Perhaps it is related to that weird sound your minivan makes every time you are backing out of the driveway. Some of us can shrug off these everyday irritations. Others of us have a harder time letting them go. We let little hassles build on each other so that by the end of the day, we are ready to explode. A better way to cope is cultivating mindful acceptance.
In The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety, authors John Forsyth and Georg Eifort explain that mindful acceptance is a skill that allows you to observe frustrations without becoming one with them. They explain it as “watching the struggle, without judging it or feeling the pain without drowning in it.” Forsyth and Eifort recommend bringing what they call ‘soft qualities’ to bear on difficult situations. Examples of these qualities would be: Gentleness, kindness, openness, patience, humor, compassion and curiosity. Using these and other soft qualities allows you to be more level-headed and compassionate toward yourself, the situation at hand and those around you. When you are in this state, you problem solve more effectively. This, in turn, helps you to be less reactive when under stress.
However, it can be hard to go from an irritated and uptight state to a more relaxed and focused one. You need to be calm in order to bring patience and humor into a typically frustrating scenario. Amy, mother of two children under three, says that when one of her girls is melting down, she tries to think beyond what is happening to what is underlying the situation. If she is trying to get her girls out the door and one of them has a tantrum, she will focus on whether her daughter is tired or hungry or just needs more transition time, as opposed to losing her patience and rushing her through the door. By approaching the meltdown from a compassionate place, Amy was able to stay calm and think more rationally.
Here are some simple ways to calm down, so that you can mindfully cope with everyday hassles:
Deep breathe. You have heard this advice a million times, but do you actually do it? Like any new habit, you will need to practice when you are not under pressure so you can use it when it counts. Consider using an app like Med Timers to remind you to deep breathe every few hours, so that you can get in the habit of doing it daily. You want to breathe in through your nose counting to 5 in your head and then breathe out slowly out of your mouth for 5. The next time you are tempted to lose your patience, deep breath for five cycles first.
Music time. Put some calm or playful music on during times when you are normally stressed; for example, when driving through traffic or cleaning the house or making dinner. If you do not have your own playlist ready to go, consider downloading the app Songza. This app allows you to select playlists according to mood, activity or artist.
Pity party. Have a quick vent session with a friend who will allow you to unload without wallowing. If you don’t have a friend like that available, consider taking 10 to 20 minutes to dump your frustrations out into a journal.
Line up treats. Decide on a reward for yourself for getting through the day. Having something nice to look forward to after juggling responsibilities all day can break the tension you are feeling in the moment.
Learning how to calm yourself down when you are under pressure paves the way for you to mindfully accept frustrating situations. Incorporating these habits into your life will take time, but it is well worth the effort since our children learn from us how to handle life’s little irritations.
Books to help you be mindful:
• Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali
• The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety by John P. Forsyth, Ph.D.; and Georg H. Eifert, Ph.D.
• Present Moment Wonderful Moment: Mindfulness Verses for Daily Living by Thich Nhat Hanh
• Women Who Worry too Much by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, Ph.D.
Karyn Robinson-Renaud, MSW, RSW, is a freelance writer and social worker. She lives outside of Toronto with her husband and daughter.
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