One moment that can shake our security is when we discover our child has a food allergy. “It happened at night,” recounts Lara Manhas, of the scare that announced her toddler’s allergy.
“At first, I had no idea anything was wrong, she just wouldn’t let me leave her room, and she wouldn’t stop squirming. Finally, she said, ‘Mama, the itches won’t stop.’ I leapt for the light switch, and there was my olive-skinned child, beet-red with welts all over her. I administered antihistamine and slept by her for the rest of the night. I woke up every half-hour to check her breathing.”
Children’s food allergies are a nightmare-generator for parents because they involve a threat kids can encounter anytime, anywhere. It makes us feel like we are responsible for controlling the whole world around them, but we know that is impossible. This combination of responsibility and lack of control is the perfect breeding ground for anxiety.
We can become the vigilant defenders our children need without being ruled by fear. Three things can help us build a calm, productive focus: reassuring information, realistic expectations and clear intentions. With this approach, our worries can spur us toward solutions that make our work easier, and help our family enjoy eating, socializing and exploring the world in a healthy way.
Reassuring information
The first step to taming allergy anxiety is separating fact from fiction. When you learn about real-life risks and safety strategies, you replace your imagined worst-case scenarios with a reassuring survival plan.
Talk to your doctor. Get help to identify your child’s triggers and discuss how to prevent and respond to future reactions.
Ask questions until you feel informed and reassured.
Address your fears with a concrete plan. Like most allergy parents, Lara’s biggest fear is that her daughter will have a life-threatening reaction when she is not around. To address this, she got her daughter a Medic Alert Bracelet to advise caregivers and first responders about her allergy.
Access helpful tips, webinars and advocacy materials from online organizations such as anaphylaxis.ca, aaia.ca, community.kidswithfoodallergies.org, csaci.ca, albertahealthservices.ca and aafa.org.
Connect with other allergy families to find out how they cope with the stress of their child’s vulnerability.
Realistic expectations
A major cause of parenting stress is perfectionism. We drive ourselves crazy with thoughts like, ‘I should be handling this perfectly.’ Yet managing food allergies is full of problems that are beyond our control. We might have trouble identifying triggers, controlling every food exposure or explaining to family and friends why we seem obsessed with every crumb that passes our child’s lips. It is a complicated dance, and we can acknowledge the inevitable missteps with compassion.
Let yourself grieve the easy relationship with food that you wish you had.
Instead of beating yourself up for worrying, consider the function it has served. Concern has gathered energy for the extra work of protecting your allergic child.
Appreciate your accomplishments: endless research, appointments, meal plans and careful communication with everyone who handles your child’s food. Be especially proud of your extra efforts to create safe adventures for your child at playdates, parties, summer camps and family holidays.
Let go of your limits and failures. Allow sadness or guilt to be a gentle sign that you wish you had a new skill, and then take one step at a time toward learning it.
Respond to practical problems without judgment. If you feel a wave of overwhelm approaching, remind yourself that there is a solution for this, and you are capable of finding it. Let the stress wash past. Go back to your plan, or find the help that you need.
Clear intentions
The final step in facing food allergies with confidence is to set purposeful goals. If your expectations are too big, such as, ‘I want to keep my child safe at all times,’ your anxious mind will think of a million obstacles. A more specific goal is: ‘I want to master the EpiPen®: I will make sure it is fresh-dated, and that my child and his/her teachers know where it is, and when and how to use it.’ This kind of goal focuses on things you can control, and makes potential problems manageable.
Review your allergy management plan periodically to stay focused on action.
Meet slip-ups or new fears with curiosity. Ask yourself: ‘Does our plan cover this problem?’ If not, learn new solutions from your doctor, advocacy group or other experienced parents.
Prioritize fun for your whole family. If there is an adventure you’re craving that seems out of reach, do research until you find an approach that makes it manageable. Take your time, and don’t worry if your version looks different than another family’s.
Be a role model. Label your feelings in front of your child, and demonstrate healthy ways of coping with the stress of coping with the allergy. Your child will worry at times about their vulnerability and being singled out from their peers. Your example is your child’s best tool for learning how to manage their feelings.
Care for yourself. Give yourself relaxation breaks, therapy, peer support and whatever else you need to feel ready to tackle your allergy challenges.
With these purposeful choices about information, expectations and intentions, you can soothe your food allergy anxiety. You will find new energy to face your allergy management work, and create more opportunities for every member of your family to feel strong, capable and ready for fun.
Eight easy tricks for allergy-safe fun
Try these strategies to solve allergy problems and make family wishes come true:
1. Keep a written allergy plan on your computer, and print it out for babysitters, school and summer camps.
2. Check out the printable resources at community.kidswithfoodallergies.org like the free download, ‘Food Allergy Babysitter and Child Care Drop Off Form.’
3. Play games with your child to help them practice saying no when offered unsafe foods.
4. Share kid-empowering allergy education books, like Everyday Cool with Food Allergies by Dr. Michael Pistiner, from nobiggiebunch.com.
5. Explore trendy food blogs for innovative allergy-friendly recipes. Search vegan sites like ohsheglows.com for treats like dairy- and egg-free baking, or Paleo eating sites for meals that are gluten- and dairy-free.
6. Bust out on a holiday where you aren’t held hostage by restaurants or buffets: try camping, or rent a houseboat, cottage or condo. Check out Vacation Rentals by Owner at vrbo.com for holiday homes available around the world.
7. Keep an allergy checklist for travel and outings so you are ready for effortless fun. Include items like antihistamine, epinephrine injector, wipes or covers for tables and trays, and personal snacks or meals that travel well.
8. Contact your airline, hotel or rental provider beforehand to learn what accommodations they can offer. For example, some resort restaurants will cook gluten-free pasta for your child if you provide it. For comments from other families
with allergies, search travel-rating websites such as tripadvisor.com.
Laurie loves her allergic preschooler and sensitive baby as much as she loves food and travel, and that is a lot. She lets her allergy anxiety mingle with her hunger in over-planned experiments that eventually produce delicious fun.
Calgary’s Child Magazine © 2024 Calgary’s Child
