The moment your child utters their first word, you’ll probably want to announce it to the world, while quickly marking the occasion in their baby book. You probably won’t be so thrilled, however, when their word of choice evolves into the very opinionated word ‘no.’
Jen Mann-Li, a mother of two, describes her daughter Sadie, three, as a ‘pro’ at using the word no. “She was a late talker, didn’t really talk until she was almost two years old and ‘no’ was a favorite right away,” says Mann-Li.
Mann-Li says that Sadie refuses to be distracted from what she wants. “She’s very stubborn and will not budge (sometimes literally),” she says. “We have a saying that Sadie will ‘die on that hill’ and she does daily over these ‘silly’ things.”
Why they say it
Laura Murphy is a certified parent coach and president of Real Families, Inc., which helps families work through parenting, marriage, and financial issues. She says that the chief child-rearing complaint she hears from parents concerns children refusing to do what the parents want them to do.
Not only is the word ‘no’ an easy word for toddlers to say, but Murphy believes, “The biggest reason they say it so much is because they hear it so much from everyone else.”
The good news is this phase is completely normal and healthy.
“The number one job of a two-year-old is to test every physical limit. Pushing physical limits to find out what the adults will do is a natural approach for a toddler. They need to learn those limits,” advises Murphy.
Need a few proactive strategies to reduce the use of this word in your home and forge a path of less resistance?
Change your approach. Challenge yourself to see if you can say no without really saying the word ‘no.’ For example, if your child asks for a cookie instead of saying “No, not before dinner” say, “Sure, after dinner.” This exercise will also make you more aware of just how often you say no.
“Once we change our approach, we usually notice a change in our children,” says Murphy.
Also, talk to your spouse and child care providers about using other words besides ‘no’ all the time. But that doesn’t mean you should ban the word entirely. “Say ‘yes’ as often as possible, and when you say ‘no,’ mean it,” advises Murphy. Having a sense of humor doesn’t hurt either. Ingrid Brown has two daughters, ages four and two, who both went through the ‘no’ phase at around 20 months. “I tried to make a game out of it,” says Brown. “If they said ‘no’ to everything, I would counter back in a funny voice repeating ‘nooooOOOooo’ right back at them and give them a little tickle.”
Offer two choices. Resistance often begins long before a child utters their first word. “When they’re old enough to start flinging food at you from their high chair, they’re old enough to start choices,” says Murphy.
Barring a dangerous situation, like your child refusing to move in a busy street, provide your child with two choices that you like and can live with: “Small choices for the kids, but the adults make the big decisions,” advises Murphy. For example, a parent decides on bedtime, but a child chooses between the blue pajamas or red pajamas. By giving away small decisions to your toddler, they will have a sense of control over their life which will likely reduce negative behaviors such as not listening, running away, resistance, and temper tantrums. If a child refuses to make a decision in 10 seconds, you should make it for them, following up with empathy.
Show empathy, not anger. Murphy stresses that empathy is an important component of providing choices to your child. When you replace anger with empathy, she says, you’ll notice a huge shift. For example, when your child doesn’t get something that they want, say something along the lines of: “I know. It’s a bummer.”
Avoid ‘parenting on the fly.’ Stay calm in the heat of the moment and decide ahead of time on what things to say ‘no’ to and what you can say ‘yes’ to. Also, try making a list of the small choices you can offer your child during those more troublesome times of the day.
If your tactics don’t seem effective, seek out an expert like a family counselor to assess the situation. Although a tweak in parenting skills may be all that is needed, an expert can help determine if something more serious is going on with your child.
Freelance journalist Christa is the author of Confidently Connected: A Mom’s Guide to a Satisfying Social Life and the mom of two boys.
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