Parents are often perplexed when their previously angelic (well, perhaps not angelic – but at least mostly agreeable) kids hit their junior high years. Where did those sweet kids, who wanted hugs and to spend time with their parents, go? What kind of monster kidnapped these previously delightful kids and replaced them with these changelings, these frustrating know-it-alls who have the power of an eye-roll you can actually hear?
“What are you rebelling against, Johnny?”
“Whaddya got?”
– Marlon Brando, The Wild One
Actually, it’s not so much a monster as it is the limbic system, coupled with a developing prefrontal cortex. We all have a limbic system and, in all of us, its development precedes the development of logic and reason in the prefrontal cortex. We all needed to develop our limbic system from beyond what we had as children when we could trust adults to take care of us and protect us from harm.
In early adolescence, our limbic system – fuelled by hormones released naturally and healthily by our pituitary glands – becomes somewhat overactive. We have no really powerful prefrontal cortex to protect us (or those around us) from the power of a powerful impulse system. The limbic system chemically encourages us to seek out threats and risks, which, oddly enough, can actually be very healthy. The power of the limbic system, in the absence of a strong prefrontal cortex, leads us to a higher engagement in risk-taking. But all risk-taking is not necessarily negative.
One of the most concerning issues I see in my private practice is teens who learn to become risk averse. Some parents, hoping to protect their kids from harm (however well-intended), end up with teens who are reluctant to take risks. Risk is an essential part of adolescent life. Hopefully your teens take some risks and learn how to take calculated risks, so that they are well-prepared for the reality of adulthood. Risk is an ongoing and important part of our adult lives.
But. How much is too much? Generally, the caution for parents should become apparent when the adolescent starts taking risks that actively endanger their safety – be it physically, emotionally, sexually, socially, or even spiritually. For instance, it is common for adolescents to experiment with alcohol. Alcohol use is deeply ingrained in many cultures, but should it be consumed by people with brains that are still in the most intensive part of development? Perhaps not. We know that most human brains do not mature until our mid-20s. Does this mean that 18 to 25-year-old young adults should not try alcohol? From a psycho-social and neurological perspective, it comes to “all things in moderation.” However, for those younger adults, the risks, not only neurological, but social, emotional, sexual, and so on are much higher. Caution should be exercised and it is important that we remain available to our growing teens by remaining, above all, non-judgemental. And parents – I know, this is hard!
We all engage, once we reach our 30s, in generational forgetting. Generational forgetting is the phenomenon in which we recall our adolescence with a great deal of confidence of clarity, but also with a great deal of inaccuracy. And we often choose to share these recollections with our teen children. “When I was your age,” we say, “I was never as disrespectful as you are being right now!” is a claim that, in all probability, could be traced back generation after generation forever!
We want the best for our kids and sometimes, the best is misconstrued as being free of errors. Teens are biologically designed to make mistakes. The concept of adolescence itself is relatively new. A few hundred years back, adolescence was not understood the same way. You were a child one day and essentially an adult the next, at least from a social perspective. Now we have adolescence that can range from – in my experience – 12 years of age to about 30 (some people have a tough time growing up; the ones who struggle were often protected intensely from risk or were allowed to take risks too early). In our adolescence, we make mistakes. As we are supposed to.
Teen rebellion – and tween rebellion – is essentially a means of boundary exploration and is to be expected. It is a means of exploring identity and though deeply uncomfortable for parents, it is very healthy and in some ways, should be encouraged. However, our natural, if inadvisable, reaction, is to exert control. Instead, psychological science and research suggests a more reasoned approach, as hard as that may be. We need to listen and not judge. We need to really be there for our adolescents who are pushing hard against us. If they learn not to see parents as a threat, they can learn to communicate. Judgment is an almost foolproof way to damage communication. Communication is what will help you and your rebellious teen develop an understanding of themselves, their relationships, and how to really trust others. Their rebellion is often a test to see if you are really there for them, the way you said you would be when they were agreeable little ones. It’s easy to love a cuddly little one. It’s hard to like a prickly rebellious teen. Like all things, the hard path is often the more rewarding one.
Dr. Brent Macdonald is a frequent guest on CBC, Global Television, Breakfast Television, and CTV. He is currently the lead psychologist with his own practice, Macdonald Psychology Group (complexlearners.com), which in addition to providing counselling and assessment services, also provides consultation services to educators and parents.
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