Part of the parenting job is to teach children proper socialization and to be considerate of others in public places. These skills will help children get along harmoniously with their future teachers, friends, co-workers, bosses and in-laws. Learning the etiquette of parenting takes practice and noticing what are the norms in North American society. If you are inexperienced with children of a particular age or stage, it might be helpful to learn a bit about child development, which explains why kids do what they do.
Here is a quick guide to the nitty-gritty of polite parenting for parents and non-parents:
Babies 0 to One
• If your baby is crying for more than five minutes in a restaurant, party or public venue, leave the room and try to calm the baby somewhere privately so others can still enjoy their activity in the room.
• You can choose to breastfeed where you’re most comfortable.
• If the invite says ‘adult only,’ please don’t bring your children. Decline with thanks or find a sitter. It’s rude to the hosts and unfair to the other guests who have paid for a sitter.
• Never change your child’s diaper in any room other than a bathroom. You need to wash surfaces that come into contact with your child’s diaper, and you need to wash your hands after with soap and water and that can only be done in a bathroom.
If you’re inexperienced with babies, you should know that babies are developmentally programmed to cry when they are little. Older babies can shriek, which makes your ears hurt, but parents can’t stop either response. They are normal behaviors and help the child grow and thrive. Wear earplugs and smile.
If you don’t want children at your social event, be very clear about expectations. Say, “Dinner is at 8. Do you need help finding a sitter?”
Be aware that parenting is an endeavor close to the heart and soul of people. Friendships and relationships can be severed over parenting-related issues. When friends become parents, changes have to occur, and you must decide if the friendship is worth continuing. They can still blossom with patience, flexibility and humor from both parties.
Toddlers One to Three
• If your child is making a fuss in an adult venue, leave after the second, “Shhhhhh” or take them to a quieter place to change the situation. This is not a misbehavior issue, but adult venues are not appropriate for the needs of children. Children get bored, tired and don’t understand content. This is about development - the venue is not set up for children’s enjoyment. You will have plenty of time to enrich their lives with theatre, concerts, dining and travel later on when they are school-aged.
• Your child makes a mess in a store or public place. You should clean it up. You are modeling to your child problem-solving and responsibility.
• When your child is misbehaving, intervene immediately. Apologize to any affected children or their parents and offer to fix things. Deal with your own child later in private. Onlookers expect you to address the situation and the worst thing you can do is ignore it. If your child doesn’t volunteer an apology, you do it for your child. It teaches them the necessary social skills required for the situation, by watching you model it.
• Don’t discipline your own child in public. Take them to a private area to talk to them and help them calm down. This is essential in the case of temper tantrums.
• Talk to your child during meals and waiting times. You are teaching them rudeness when you are on your screens and they are bored. Talking to them builds their brain and language skills. If you want discussions with your later teens, start the conversation habit now with your toddler.
If you are inexperienced with toddlers, you should know that toddlerhood is one of the most challenging stages for their parents. Toddlers are fast, ego-centric, emotional and have very little self-control and knowledge of manners or safety. Caregivers need to act fast and scoop them out of danger. Toddler tantrums are a normal developmental behavior and are a good sign of the emotional development of the brain. It is not a sign of ‘bad parenting.’
Offer help and empathy for the struggling parent. It can be as simple as offering to help steer their grocery cart to their car while they carry their child.
Preschoolers Three to Five
• Your child accidentally breaks something in a store or makes it unsalable. Offer to pay for it.
• Your child is rude to someone. Offer apologies from you or your child if they are ready.
• Teach your child to not explore other people’s fridges, cupboards, closets or any other rooms than the bathroom, living-room, playroom or other rooms designated by the host parent.
• Teach your child not to open packages in stores or use the store’s display models inappropriately.
• Don’t threaten to leave your child there if they don’t listen to your commands to come. It destroys trust and security. Scoop them up and carry them with you.
• Teach your children to be responsible for their own garbage. Teach them to clean up their fast-food garbage in restaurants, to pick up their wrappings in other people’s cars and clean up their lunch leftovers at school.
If you are inexperienced with preschoolers, and the child is doing something that wrecks your property, your house, your child or is going to hurt themselves, speak directly to the child, if the parent is ignoring the situation. Be polite, respectful, kind and firm. Use your I-statement by saying, “I’m worried that my white leather sofa might be damaged by your bag of cheese puffs. Let’s eat them at the table.”
If the child still doesn’t listen, address their parent. Offer the parent help and empathy.
Offer the child a hug, smile or kind word.
Power struggles, constant questions, interruptions and whining are normal developmental behaviors for this stage. All kids do it to some degree.
School-Aged Six to 13
• Teach your child not to let their friends jump the queue in front of others in line-ups. ‘Holding the place for a friend’ is budging in and not polite.
• Don’t take ‘parent’ parking spots unless you are expecting or have a child seat in your car.
• Teach your child that if they eat treats in public, to offer one around the group or share the lot. Otherwise, eat in private.
• Children this age should be using gender assigned change rooms and bathrooms.
• Teach your child to say “Please” and “Thank you” at other people’s houses and venues, especially after the car pool run, playdates, sleepovers and birthday parties.
• Teach your child not to boast about what they can do, what they own and where they are going. Teach them to ask questions about the friend and really listen to the answers.
• It’s okay to ask if the playdate could be at the other person’s house as long as the hosting is reciprocated shortly.
• Teach your child that it’s okay to say that they are hungry, sick or need to use the bathroom or phone at playdates.
• Parents are responsible for both the drop-off and pick-up at the host playdate’s house.
• Parents are responsible for damage caused by their child, wherever it may be: school, playdates and public venues.
• Teach your child to be respectful of rules in public places. Obey them yourself when you are out with children.
• Teach your child about expectations of their behavior in public without parents - no swearing, bullying, stealing or vandalism is allowed.
• Teach your child not to talk, eat or use their cell phones in theatres and other quiet places of public performances.
• Teach your child to be respectful and polite to adults, but to assert their needs with “I-statements.” For example, “I need to use your phone, please.”
• Make logistic arrangements with your child’s friend’s parent, as well as your child. Cell phones allow you to hammer out details with your child, but the hosting parent is clueless to what has been arranged. Let the kids work out the original arrangements but because the social plans still involve an adult to drive and supervise, adults need to be consulted.
Teens who can drive can arrange their own plans without parent consultation.
• Bring your own bedding for sleepovers unless the parent says not to.
• Children should not be left home alone until age 10.
• Children should not baby-sit other children, including siblings, until age 12.
• Teach your children to cancel activities and relationships over the phone, not in a text or email. Sure, it is a tough thing to do, but future employers will value it.
• Teach your children to be responsible by modeling commitment. If you say that you are going to be somewhere, do your very best to be there. Insist on them keeping agreements also.
If you are not the parent, by all means, step in and speak up to the child if something is bothering you. Say, “I’m thinking that swear words might offend people. Could you please tone it down while my son is here?”
Be respectful, kind and aware that children and their parents have feelings. Children this age can handle and understand different ways of doing things.
Teenagers 13 to 20
By now you should be done teaching and teenagers should have a pretty good idea of the norms of society and what is expected of adult behavior. However, they may need reminding every now and then by parents and everyone else. It takes a village to raise a child.
Judy Arnall, BA, CCFE, is a professional parenting and teacher conference speaker, and trainer, mom of five children and author of the best-selling print book, Discipline Without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment or bribery. For more information, contact 403-714-6766, email This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or visit www.professionalparenting.ca. Sign up for a monthly notification of free online webinars on every subject of parenting.
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