While some kids will barely utter a word, their talkative brethren are more than happy to fill the silence. How do you know when talking has crossed from socially acceptable to problematic?
Why kids talk and talk and talk...
A child’s talking varies according to the situation. What parent doesn’t delight in the way their child’s face beams when their kid talks enthusiastically about something that was particularly interesting or rewarding at school?
Often, non-stop talking is age-appropriate, such as when a toddler is excitedly developing their language skills. Some kids may talk your ear off at home, but are quiet and shy at school. On the other hand, you may have a social butterfly that finds it difficult to restrain themselves from visiting with their neighbors during quiet time and classroom instruction.
“The important determining factor has to do with whether others are adversely affected,” says Dr. Richard Newman, child psychologist. Newman specializes in working with school-aged children and adolescents who have problems that manifest in the classroom, including compulsive talking and disruption.
“I think it’s important to be tolerant about talking, to carefully listen to and watch for red flags when talking creates problems and to discuss potential problems with children,” he says.
A youngster’s gift for gab becomes a concern if they constantly interrupt conversations, speak in lengthy monologues and frequently get into trouble at school for their talking. Worse, non-stop talking can cripple your child’s social relationships, leading to lower self-esteem and social isolation.
To help your Chatty Cathy learn to moderate their talking, try a few of these gentle methods to model appropriate conversation skills:
1. Help your child feel heard. Julie Hanks, LCSW, family psychotherapist, says to reflect back to make your child feel listened to and more aware of their behavior. For example: “Hmmm... you’ve told me that story about what you did at recess three times. It must have been really important to you.”
2. Make eye contact. When people don’t look at us when we address them, we aren’t sure if they’re truly listening and that can compel us to repeat ourselves. Put aside your phone, magazine or tablet and give your child your full attention when they talk to you.
“Sometimes kids repeat themselves because a parent is multi-tasking,” says Hanks.
3. Notice your habits. Ever heard your preschooler pretending to be you talking on the phone? Then you know that kids learn how to communicate with others by watching how their parents handle social situations. Model reciprocal communication, which occurs through body language like gestures and nods, eye contact and through dialogue in which one person speaks while the other listens and then responds.
4. Establish boundaries. Teach your child self-control and self-regulation by setting boundaries. Point out times when it’s disruptive to talk, like in the quiet space at the library or while others want to listen to a speaker or a favorite song on the radio.
If you need a break from your child’s chattering, tell them you need some quiet time. Set the timer for 15 minutes and suggest they play in their room quietly, look at a book or color.
5. Make listening fun. If your child’s talking interferes with other family members’ opportunities to speak, set a limit on how long your child can talk before it’s the next person’s turn.
One way to practice turn-taking is to go around the table with an item, like a pepper mill or an honorary spoon, which can symbolize a mic. Whoever holds the designated ‘mic’ holds the floor, which means it’s their turn to share their news, quip or story. No interruptions, but others can ask questions of the person doing the talking to learn more about what was shared.
6. Nurture social signal recognition. Some children struggle to recognize social cues, like body language and tone of voice. Play charades to practice different facial expressions and body language.
Acknowledge your child’s nonverbal signals and label emotions: “You’re smiling from ear to ear. Something good must have just happened!”
Look at picture books and ask your child what the character is feeling.
Make note of other people’s body language. For example: “That lady has her arms crossed and she’s talking loudly to the clerk. How do you think she’s feeling?”
Read dialogue in books with inflection to help your child discern how the characters must be feeling based on how the dialogue is spoken. One sentence spoken in different ways can carry a variety of connotations, like anger, sarcasm or gentle teasing.
7. Seek professional help. If you’re concerned about your child’s constant chattering, consult with your paediatrician or a mental health professional. An assessment can determine if your child’s talking is within the normal range of behavior or compulsive, i.e. they refuse to be interrupted, focuses on worries or fears or gets extremely agitated when they can’t finish a story.
Factors that can contribute to compulsive talking in kids:
High intellectual functioning
Personality and home environment
ADD/ADHD
Medications
Anxiety
Mood disorders
Freelance journalist Christa is the mom of two school-age boys who love to talk. Her latest book is Happy, Healthy & Hyperconnected: Raise a Thoughtful Communicator in a Digital World.
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