What to do when your friends don’t parent like you do

Written by Dr. Harriet Johnston

Different homes come with different rules, some more lax and some more strict than yours. If your child is spending a lot of time at your friend’s home, they will be influenced by your friend’s parenting style. Although you value your friendship, sometimes these differences in parenting styles can be a challenge as they begin to impact your child.

For example, your child may:

• Start to question and challenge the rules at your home because your friend is not as strict;
• Demand things that your friend allows their child to have;
• Be exposed to TV shows, movies, or play video games that you wouldn’t allow your child to view at your home, or;
• Have less supervision while they are at your friend’s home.

No doubt, this can make your job harder as a parent. You want to support your child’s friendships, and, of course, you want to maintain your own friendship. Still, you worry about the impact that your friend’s parenting style may be having on your child.

There are no two parenting styles that will be exactly alike. We differ in parenting styles based on many factors, such as our own upbringing, our cultural background, our religious beliefs, our knowledge of child-rearing techniques, and our individual characteristics. Although our friends may have a different parenting style to ours, they likely have similar goals for their children: to be healthy, to be happy, to be successful, and to be a good person. 

Although you may not agree with all the ways that your friend parents their child, how do you respect their point of view, assert your own important boundaries, and stay out of a debate? You can:

• Remind yourself that there is not one right way to parent and that your friends likely have similar goals for their children as you do.
• Keep open communication with your friend about what they value as a parent and why.
• Try to understand the reason for the parenting choices that your friend is making (do they work long hours, do they have children with a wider age range, are they a single parent, are they from a different cultural or religious background).
• Consider the positives and negatives of your own parenting style.

When you think that your friend’s parenting style may be having an impact on your child in a negative way, you can:

• Talk to your children and remind them of the reason for the rules in your home.
• Explain why they don’t have certain things that their friend has now.
• Encourage them to follow their home rules when they are at your friend’s home and ask your friend to support this (“I’m not allowed to play first-person shooter games, can we play something else?”).

And, finally, if there is something that you are truly worried about (for example, exposure to media that you think is inappropriate for your child), then you can talk to your friend about the rules at your house, explain your reasoning, and ask them to respect that rule while your child is at their home. You can also offer to host playdates and have the kids hang out at your home more often. 

In the end, it is likely that your child only spends a small fraction of their time in your friend’s home, and that your friend’s parenting style will likely not have a significant impact on your child compared to your own. 

Let’s look forward to the opportunity to renew our friendships when children go back to school and spend more time with friends we all haven’t seen over the summer. Although you and your friend have a different parenting style, you will likely agree on the ultimate goals you have for your children. Building a better understanding of your friend’s parenting style and recognizing shared values for your children can help you to gain respect for your friend’s parenting style  even though it differs from your own.

Dr Harriet Johnston is a registered psychologist in Calgary. She works at the Eckert Psychology & Education Centre where she provides child and adult assessment and solution-focused counselling to individuals, parents, and couples. She also runs a solo private practice, Cowtown Psychology.

See our related articles:

• What to Do When Prenting Styles Clash
• Making Parent Friends 
• Connecting with other parents