When families restructure, emotions are overflowing. Fear, frustration, hurt, shame, and disgust may show up as anger from both kids and adults. Today, we’ll focus on adults’ big feelings and what to do with them.
Because children are often the only contact with the other parent(s), it’s easy to want to share messages via the child, possibly accompanied by vitriol or subtle anger and complaints. As tempting as it might be, bad-mouthing the other parent in front of a child has no merit and can cause a large amount of harm.
You don’t have to like or love your co-parent. Your child wants to like and love you both. When they are forced by one parent to listen to hurtful language about the other parent, it is very overwhelming. A child faced with this situation may be thinking:
How else can I talk with my child?
If you have concerns about your co-parent’s choices or behaviors, ideally you would discuss these adult-to-adult. If your child shares an uncomfortable situation, you can empathize with the child. You can talk about behaviors without devaluing or demeaning the other person.
Example: Your child mentions that the other parent gets mad quickly when your child doesn’t brush their teeth and get to bed. Your child would rather stay with you. You could say, “That sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Sounds like it’s taking you a little longer to get ready for bed and there is some frustration about that. You don’t like it when they get mad. You wish they would be more gentle. That makes sense. Let’s talk about how you could change the situation and talk about this. What needs to happen on your end with the tooth brushing? How could you ask them for more time? Do you need a gentle reminder from them instead of yelling? Let’s think about how you can help them to talk about this with you. Could you write a note, or can we practice what you could say?”
How do I get my emotions out safely?
It doesn’t help any of us to keep big feelings inside. They can easily go from a feeling to a recurring thought. When these thoughts happen again and again, they can feel overwhelming. We need to find a way to get these thoughts out – far away from our kids.
It can be helpful to have another adult friend who is close to you and is open to having you vent your frustrations without feeling the need to solve your problems. If you don’t have a few key friends like this, it may be helpful to find a support group of people in a similar life-stage, either in your area or online.
Perhaps you are seeking some help, or ideas that can make things easier. There are many professionals available to help individuals and co-parents through challenging situations. In my own practice, I have worked with co-parents together, as well as individually when there wasn’t interest in finding solutions as a co-parenting team.
What if you’re on your own?
Physical movement can often help get big feelings out. Running, shooting baskets, throwing rocks into a stream, using a pillow to hit your bed, or even doing jumping jacks can help. Vocalizing on an exhale can get feelings out, as can sitting in your car with the stereo turned up and yelling.
Writing can also help. Journaling can be a wonderful way to get the feelings out of your head. Some people are hesitant to write the mean feelings they are feeling. Writing with a marker on newspaper or scrap-paper and then burning it or tearing it up means that no one gets to read the words, and they can find a way out of you. You are not a mean person just because you have mean feelings. Humans have big feelings of all kinds. When we can get them out of our brains in a safe way, it is better for everyone.
The last method I’ll mention may be the first one to try: deep breathing. There are many apps and examples of breathing practices that are available. Changing our breathing can change the way our brain is feeling. Breathing and humming can do the same thing.
As adults, we are responsible for the big feelings we have. We must not put these onto our children.
Author, blogger, podcast host and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
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