You don’t have to be like your parents

Written by Judy Arnall, BA, CCFE, DTM

Do you come from a ‘dysfunctional family’? Is your ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score so high that you worry about doing the same to your kids? Can parenting habits change in one generation? Yes, you can change your child’s destiny! Many parents with ACE scores as high as seven have raised children with one or less. You can too!

Here are some changes you can make to become the parent you wished you had, for the next generation that you are raising. You do not have to repeat negative parenting habits with your own children. You can change your parenting style from over-permissive or authoritarian, to a collaborative/democratic, positive parenting style.

• Fake it until you make it. Act like the parents you admire. Copy what they do.
• Start with yourself. Learn to love you. Change self-talk into positive, loving thoughts about how you look, and what you do, and who you are.
• Learn the language of respectful communication. Take a course through colleges, universities, churches, parent centres, or community centres. Learn how to use I-statements, active listening, and problem-solving.
• Learn child development through courses or books to help you know what to expect from children at different ages. Only 23 percent of parents know child development past the infant stage, and it’s essential for parenting.
• If you were excessively criticized as a child, consciously make the effort to encourage your own children and hold back the negative.
• If you were not hugged or touched as a child, make a concerted effort to hug, cuddle, and hold your own children, even if it feels alien to you.
• If you were hurt, upset, or sick and were told to ‘buck up,’ ‘suck it up,’ or,  ‘shut up,’ give your child comfort by saying “It’s okay to feel what you do.” Offer your child physical affection, if they find that comforting.
• If you were ignored as a child, respond right away to your own children. Give focused attention when they need it and even when they don’t. It’s okay to have fun with your children.
• If your parents never played with you as a child, read, talk with, and play with your own children.
• When you are angry, take a time-out. Your time-out, not your child’s. What needs of yours are not being met? How can you meet it? Work on your anger first and you will make better parenting decisions when you are calm.
• Forgive your parents. They probably did the best they knew how at the time, with the resources they had.
• Know what your triggers and hot buttons are. We all have sensitive areas in parenting, no matter what our background was, and our awareness of them helps us to come up with alternative behaviors and coping strategies.
• Start looking at your life through the lens of gratitude. Being grateful enriches life.

Parenting, for the most part, is a learned pattern. We can change parenting patterns and develop new ones. When we become aware of our shortfalls and make a conscious effort to change how we behave, we become really good at parenting after lots of practice. Don’t worry if you make mistakes. Rome was not built in a day. Even with new learned behaviors, in times of stress, we tend to fall back on our old habits. Apologize and vow to do better next time. With renewed commitment, we get better at changing old habits with time, practice, information, and continuance. You can change family dynamics in one generation and give your child the healthy gift of less ACES in their childhood. It all starts with you!

Judy is a certified brain and child development specialist and master of non-punitive, gentle parenting and education practices. She is the bestselling author of five print books, including Discipline Without Distress and Parenting With Patience. She is the parent of five attachment-parented, university-educated adult children. She can be reached for consultations at professionalparenting.ca or judyarnall.com or at unschoolingtouniversity.com.

See our related articles:

• Parenting Without a Parent
• What to Do When Parenting Styles Clash
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