What traditions do you love during the holiday season? Take a second and close your eyes to picture it. What are the images, smells, sounds, and tastes you have come to cherish? Maybe it is the tradition of decorating your house, a special religious service, your holiday meal, giving and receiving gifts, reconnecting with distant friends and family, or a special activity.
When two families combine to become a stepfamily, each family brings its own set of traditions with them that are as important to each family member as your traditions are to you. When individuals in a stepfamily feel their traditions have been ignored, this can lead to hurt feelings, conflict, and isolation of one or more family members.
Knowing the significance of holiday traditions, it is important that stepfamilies think ahead to navigate this time successfully. Obviously, there is compromise required when combining family traditions. Successfully merging the holiday traditions of two families works best as a slow and thoughtful process. Parents who try to hurry the process or try to impose their family tradition onto each other and each other’s children risk leaving everyone unhappy over the holidays. Thoughtful planning will help to make sure each family member feels included in the process of merging family traditions.
Here are some ideas to navigate holiday traditions for new stepfamilies.
Communication is key
Talk with your partner. Find out what is important to your partner in your holiday celebration.
Talk with your children. Don’t make assumptions. Talk with each of your children to learn what traditions are most meaningful to them. This will help you to prioritize which traditions to keep. Find ways to incorporate them, even if on a smaller scale. Help all your children feel equally involved and valued.
Talk with each other. Sharing stories about your traditions with each other can help other family members to understand their importance and help get buy-in from other family members.
Be realistic
When will your children be with you over the holidays? If your children are going to spend part of their holidays with your ex-partner, you will have fewer days to work with over the holidays. This may change how selective you can be about what traditions you include in your celebration. Overcommitting will leave you tired, stressed, and will risk undermining the time you do have with your children.
Turn a day celebration into a week celebration. The more individuals in your family, the more traditions you will need to incorporate in your celebration to make everyone feel included. Extending your celebration over several days can help.
Consider the traditions you will include in your holiday celebration
What traditions will you keep? Make sure each member of the family has a tradition that is important to them reflected in your celebrations.
What traditions can you blend? Think about ways you can blend elements from both families' holiday traditions. This can include combining favorite meals, activities, or decorations.
What new traditions will you start? Starting new traditions that are unique to your stepfamily can help everyone feel included. This could be a special trip, game night, or activity you do together. If you’re introducing new traditions, it’s often easier to ease into them over time rather than making abrupt changes that may feel upsetting to children and adults.
Respect beliefs. If the children in the family are from different religious backgrounds, it’s important to support their religious identity. Allow them to observe the traditions that are meaningful to them without pressure to choose one over the other.
It's common for holidays to be stressful in any family, but it can be especially stressful for new stepfamilies. When you set realistic expectations about how much you can do and focus on enjoying time together rather than perfection, holidays can be a great time to strengthen your family bonds. Regardless of the challenges, keeping the focus on the importance of family, love, and togetherness can help everyone feel more connected. Embrace the fact that stepfamilies have the chance to create something new and special, which can make holidays even more meaningful.
Dr. Harriet Johnston is a registered psychologist in Calgary. She works at the Eckert Psychology & Education Centre where she provides child, adolescent, and adult assessment as well as solution focused therapy to individuals, couples, and families. She also runs a solo private practice, Cowtown Psychology.
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