Bullying continues to show up in the real world at every level of authority. I believe there are ways to change this narrative. The following tips stem from my own learning, including my conversations with Dr. Barbara Coloroso about her book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Not-So-Innocent Bystander (2015).
What is bullying?
While we are told that bullying is happening all the time, online, and in person, there are many situations that are called bullying that are just examples of conflict. Conflict happens regularly to both kids and adults. People are going to disagree; this is normal, and provides us with opportunities to problem-solve and gain new perspectives.
Coloroso explains, “Bullying is a conscious, willful, and deliberate hostile activity, intended to harm. Bullying involves an imbalance of power, an intent to harm, a threat of further aggression, and may escalate to a feeling of terror.”
Understanding that bullying is about power and harm, rather than just about a disagreement, can help us recognize it and help our children – both the bullied and the bullies.
What can I do if my child is being bullied?
The first thing you can do is listen and believe your child. Hearing these stories may bring about your own feelings of sorrow, frustration, anger, or even revenge. However difficult it is for you to hear this information, it’s important that you show your child that you are an adult and are capable of handling it, even if you cry or feel angry. If your child doesn’t think you can handle it, they may stop confiding in you.
Coloroso suggests using supportive language like,
“I hear you. I am here for you. I believe you. You are not alone in this. It is not your fault. We will work through this together.”
In her book, Coloroso notes, “It is important to report the bullying and not to confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone.” She offers recommendations on the best ways to report bullying to school personnel and how to work toward solutions.
What if my child is the bully?
One of the most important things that I’ve learned from Dr. Coloroso is that bullying is a learned behavior, and there are many things that can be done to help the bully to change their ways.
These include and are not limited to:
What role do we all play in changing bullying?
Coloroso highlights “the not-so-innocent bystander”. Chances are, we’ve all played this role at some point in our lives. We’ve seen something happening and said nothing. Perhaps we didn’t know what to say. Perhaps we were too scared to say something, or perhaps we didn’t care that much about the person being bullied and let it happen. All of these happen all the time.
Research shows that the effects of the bystander on bullying are extremely important. If we say nothing, we encourage the bully. As a bystander, we have the power to step in or step out to change the situation. When we talk about these options with our kids, we help them to plan what they would do if they saw a child in a difficult situation at school.
Stepping in can look like walking up to the bullied child and inviting them to come hang out with you, then leading them away from the bully. It could look like speaking back to the bully, saying something like, “That’s not a nice way to talk to someone!”
Stepping in can feel scary, and that’s why stepping out can be just as powerful.
Stepping out can look like running away to find help from a teacher or adult. It can also be shouting for help so that the bully and bullied are no longer in a private situation.
Coloroso also shares ways that a bystander can help in online bullying situations:
It’s incredibly important to stare this problem in the face and teach kids about it as well. We know that bullied kids often become bullies themselves. Bullying happens at school, from child to child, but it also can happen (and is taught) in the home from parent to child.
When we give up on bullies, we leave them in the hands of parents who don’t want them to stop bullying or who don’t know how to teach them to behave differently. I encourage all parents to learn more about this topic and ask how your school or school board responds to bullying. Even though it may not feel like it, each of us has the power to make a difference.
Author, blogger, podcast host and parenting expert, Julie Freedman Smith has been supporting parents across North America for 20 years. Through her company JFS Parent Education, she helps parents find relief from their everyday parenting challenges. Want to know how she can help you? Email her today: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
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