As parents, we often strive to provide our children with support, guidance, and sound advice, but many parents fall into the trap of talking at their children rather than with them. We know that effective communication with your children is essential for building strong, trusting relationships and supporting their emotional growth, but it can be challenging to find the right balance between listening, offering empathy, and stepping in to provide solutions.
Understanding when to simply listen, when to show empathy, and when to guide problem-solving can help children develop confidence, independence, and emotional resilience. Here is how to navigate these tricky aspects of communication to foster more meaningful conversations with your children.
Active Listening
One of the most powerful ways you can connect with your child is by practicing active listening. Children, like adults, want to feel heard and understood. When they feel like they have a safe space to express their thoughts and emotions, they develop a sense of self-worth and emotional security. Often, we may think that we are engaging in active listening, but to truly do this, we must give our full attention to our child without interrupting, judging, or immediately offering advice.
How you look matters. Get down to their level; no one wants to be talked down to or have to talk up. Use eye contact that is natural, not intense or judgmental. Think about your body posture. Is it open and relaxed, or are your arms crossed and your shoulders tense? Put away distractions like your phone or turn off the TV.
Stay quiet. Let your child share without interrupting. Allow them to tell their story, share their feelings, or explain their idea without judgment, problem-solving, or asking questions.
Connect Through Emotional Understanding
Empathy helps children learn that their emotions are valid and manageable. It teaches them to recognize and name their feelings, which is an important step toward emotional regulation.
Show interest (even if you are pretending). Use facial expressions that convey interest, empathy, and understanding. Nod your head. Use phrases like “That sounds hard,” “Wow, I can’t believe that happened!” or “Tell me more about that.” We get that sometimes stories can feel a little mundane to listen to, but this step is the important part. This is the part that conveys that their story and words have value, and we understand how they are feeling.
Summarize without judgment. Try to wrap up in a sentence what they told you. “When Robert did that, it sounds like it really hurt your feelings.” “It sounds like you feel angry that I made plans without asking you first.” “I wonder if you’re feeling jealous that Sally got a new backpack.” Use language that is curious and validating, not judgmental.
Problem-Solving
When parents constantly jump in to solve every problem, children may become dependent on others to fix things for them. However, offering support when needed encourages critical thinking and fosters independence.
Offering support when needed. There are times when a child needs guidance to work through a problem or situation. This does not mean taking control of the situation and telling them what to do, but rather helping your child brainstorm solutions and empowering them to resolve their challenges independently. Try encouraging your child to produce their own solutions, or if your child seems stuck, provide a few options. For example, “Would you like to explain what you meant to your friend, or ask them to explain what they think happened?” Ultimately let them take the lead in solving the problem. This boosts confidence and decision-making skills.
Talking to your children means engaging in conversations that are two-way, empathetic, and respectful. By listening, offering empathy, and involving your child in problem-solving, you help them feel valued and teach them how to navigate their emotions and challenges. This approach strengthens your relationship, shows them their words have meaning, and more importantly, that their stories have power.
Ashlee and Lisa are child psychologists who created KidsConnect Psychology as a place for children and families to access tools, supports and therapy. Check out our website for digital downloads, parenting tool kits, information about our parent counselling, school consultations, daycare consultations and more! kidsconnectpsychology.com. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram at KidsConnect Psychology.
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