When it comes to parenting, finding a balanced approach to any concept is what we strive for – whether it’s nutrition, sleep, or discipline. We all have universal goals for our kids. We want them to feel loved, happy, and healthy. We want to do everything we can to optimize their development and set them up for success in the future.
As new parents, we’re told not to compare our little ones to other kids, but also told to catch things early so we can deal with them sooner. How do you find a balance? How do you know if you’re being an overly anxious worrywart? What if you miss the mark by ignoring or brushing off the “warning signs”? Are the daily tantrums just a phase? What if your kid isn’t speaking like the other kids at their daycare? Will they outgrow this?
The first thing to consider is that there are different areas of development, and your child may have strengths in certain areas and weaknesses in others. The main developmental domains include:
Can you identify your child’s strengths? What about weaknesses or delays? If you’re having trouble answering the above questions, a developmental or behavioral screening is always helpful. You can consult milestone checklists online, but it’s important to note that these vary from resource to resource. There is definitely a variance in the milestone guidelines, so there is no need to stress if your child isn’t meeting that milestone on the day or month that the guideline specifies. You can ask your GP or pediatrician to complete an Ages and Stages questionnaire or find a psychologist who specializes in early child development.
Once you determine whether your child is needing support in a specific domain, provide extra attention or stimulation in those areas. This could be as simple as providing more exposure to blocks, puzzles, and crayons if your child is lagging in the fine motor domain, or setting up scenarios where your child needs to request something verbally if you are trying to build communication skills.
You’ll know that the behavior or lagging skill is ‘just a phase’ if you start stimulating an area and see improvements after the first two to three weeks of implementing the new strategy consistently. Often, when a lagging skill is strengthened, it can result in positive behavior changes. For example, if your child isn’t able to communicate what they want, you may see more frustration and tantrums. Once you start addressing this lagging skill, you could lower their level of frustration, resulting in fewer outbursts. If you’re wondering how to provide stimulation in certain areas or how to manage challenging behaviors, don’t be afraid to seek support from a professional.
What about tantrums? Tantrums are a developmentally-appropriate response, especially for the toddler years, and we continue to see them at lower frequencies up until school age. Children communicate their frustration and unmet needs using this response. Tantrums typically last up to 15 minutes. The number of tantrums per day can increase depending on many factors: life changes, adapting to new environments, sleep patterns, parental mental health, etc. There is no ‘magic number’ when it comes to determining whether the duration or frequency of your child’s tantrums is just a ‘normal’ phase or not.
Here’s a rule of thumb: If you or your child are experiencing distress and it’s impacting yours or your child’s daily functioning, then seek support. It doesn’t matter if your definition of distress or dysfunction doesn’t match someone else’s. Finding ways to cope with the challenges of parenting is unique to each family. Seeking support could mean checking in with your child’s pediatrician or family doctor, accessing mental health services for you and/or your child, or utilizing respite or childcare.
Remember, your child’s lagging skills have little to do with the quality of the parenting you are providing. This is a common misconception, and the guilt associated with this misconception can prevent us from seeking support. Trust your gut. If you think your child is needing more support, early intervention is always best. The earlier you catch a lagging skill or manage a particular behavior, the easier it will be for your kiddo to thrive and develop in the healthiest way.
Here are some helpful links and resources:
Lara Higgins, BA, and Joanna Piekarski, M. Ed, R. Psych, are child mental health advocates who started Psyched About Kids (PAK) in 2016 because they are obsessed with human potential! PAK empowers parents with science-backed knowledge, strategies, and tools to solve our most pressing parenting issues today and make life a little easier, along with ongoing support to implement the desired change. Small actions over time can have an unimaginable impact on child growth and development for lifelong health and wellness. Learn more at psychedaboutkids.com.
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